What is trauma bonding? Think of it as an abusive relationship where the victim is emotionally attached or mentally bonded to the abuser. Hence the term trauma bonding.
We will explain to you the 10 signs of trauma bonding, trauma bonding examples, and how to break a trauma bond.
So read all the way through.
But first, here is an in-depth simple explanation of what trauma bonding is all about.
Trauma Bonding Fully Explained
Trauma bonding is an abusive relationship characterized by a major disparity of power in favor of the abuser.
Unfortunately, due to this power disparity, victims can’t just walk out on their abusers through the front door. The undue power that abusers wield over their victims is what motivates them to persist in their dastardly and nefarious behavior. Abusers are fully aware that the victim can’t just leave on a whim and are thus not afraid to exploit the situation.
Relationships characterized by a significant imbalance in power include parent-child relationships, romantic relationships, and so on. As you would expect such relationships give rise to trauma bonding.
It should be obvious why parent-child relationships are especially prone to trauma bonding. The child is often too naïve to realize what their unscrupulous “parents” are doing to them. These innocent souls blame themselves for the narcissistic behavior of their begetters AKA “parents”.
Children growing up in such a toxic environment often end up becoming psychologically unstable. Hence, they may suffer from depression, anxiety, and even PTSD. More often than not, they end up socially inept and often have a hard time maintaining amicable social relationships. Consequently, they become aloof and withdrawn. They may even perpetuate this cycle of abuse.
Romantic relationships may also entail trauma bonding, especially if one partner is financially dependent on the abuser and has kids from them. Think stay-at-home moms and those with traumatic childhoods.
Whether it’s ostensible parents (begetters really) traumatizing their hapless children, or toxic narcissists brutalizing their dependent partners, the modus operandi is largely the same.
Sudden outbursts of abuse are quickly followed by virtue signaling and pretentious showers of affection – this is called love bombing. This cunning ploy is designed to dupe the victim into a false sense of trust, hoping the abuse will end and the situation will improve. Of course, the situation does not improve one bit. In fact, it invariably goes from bad to worse. The abuser is simply setting up the victim for the next round of obnoxious behavior.
Abusers know they can get away with it, and that the victim has nowhere else to go. So they keep repeating the cycle of abuse and love over and over again. Time is on their side and sadly, so are their loved ones.
Thanks to the outward show of propriety and virtue that these narcissists maintain, friends and family alike are woefully oblivious to the abuse going on behind the scenes. So even if the victim comes out of the closet to reveal the abuse, no one believes them. Cunning abusers know all too well that no one will believe the victims. Hence, this emboldens them to continue scot-free with their vile abuse.
Why It’s Hard to Break Free of Trauma Bonding
There are 3 big reasons why it’s so hard for victims to break free of trauma bonding.
Emotional Attachment
A big problem with trauma bonds is that the victim has a powerful emotional attachment to the abuser. So even if they do leave, they have a strong urge to come back and give it another go. Breaking free from the abusive situation is not easy for the victim.
Hence, traumatized children may want to come back because they yearn for the love of their parents. So even when child protection services take away kids from their abusive narcissistic parents, these poor kids want to go back despite the abuse.
Economic/Social Dependence
Victims are often unable to walk out due to social/economic dependence as is the case of stay-at-home moms for instance.
After years and even decades of unrelenting abuse, these victims grow wise to the fact that divorce is the only way out. Unfortunately, they cant just leave through the front door. There is the divorce case to be fought along with the protracted custody battle. Plus, the victim will have to live on their own and fend for themselves. None of this is easy. Hence, victims unwillingly endure the abuse.
Psychological Vulnerability
Another big problem is that victims are quite naïve and fail to see through their tormentors for what they are. The scheming abusers on the other hand are wily, cunning, and ruthless. Abusers gaslight their victims into believing that they are always at fault, leading them to believe that the aggression dished out to them is “well-deserved” and “fully justified”. Consequently, victims develop low self-esteem, helplessness, and guilt. Plus, they start blaming themselves for their abusers’ heinous behavior. In fact, they may even rationalize the blatantly obnoxious behavior of their tormentors. For example, victims may excuse their abusers on grounds they are supposedly “tired”, “stressed out” or “overworked”.
The 10 Signs of Trauma Bonding
Here are the 10 signs of trauma bonding you should be aware of.
- The abuse victim justifies, excuses, and covers up the bad behavior of the abuser.
- The abuse victim is not honest with family or friends about the abusive situation.
- The abuse victim is unable to quit the abusive environment and is not comfortable with leaving it.
- The abuse victim blames themselves for the abuse.
- The abuse repeats in a pattern, e.g. following abuse, the abuser will try to appease the victim.
- The abuser vows to become better but they don’t.
- The abuser gaslights or manipulates the victim to control them.
- The abuser tries to isolate their victim from others including family and friends.
- The abuser has the trust and support of family and friends
- The victim continues to trust their abuser and rely on them.
These 10 signs of trauma bonding should help you identify trauma bonding when it happens.
Trauma Bonding Examples
Here are some trauma bonding examples to illustrate how this unhealthy relationship works.
An abusive partner may regularly threaten to abandon the victim. The victim may undergo serious distress as a result and seek to win back the favor of the abusive partner through excessive appeasement.
An employee might constantly seek the approval of their toxic boss by agreeing to everything they say and working overtime each day. Although they feel stressed and unhappy about feeling exploited and underappreciated, the employee will keep up appearances so that everything looks normal to others.
A narcissistic parent may try to control their child through emotional blackmail, guilt-tripping, and threats. Despite feeling unhappy, the child may seek approval through full obedience.
These trauma bonding examples are just some of the many possible scenarios of trauma bonding.
How to Break a Trauma Bonding
Individuals who have endured abuse during childhood are more vulnerable to trauma bonding in their adulthood. Hence, it may be harder for such persons to disrupt the trauma bond. However, they can learn to end this toxic relationship by understanding how to break a trauma bond.
Here’s how it’s done.
Identify the Trauma Bond
First things first. The victim must understand that they are in a trauma bond. This is easier said than done because as explained above, victims often deny that they are undergoing abuse.
Recognizing a trauma bond may be easier with the following.
Journalling
Each day, take note of all things that make you uncomfortable, stressed, or disturbed. Look out for a pattern or cycle of abuse followed by appeasement.
By noting down all the things that don’t feel good, you may identify certain behaviors as abusive although you may have missed them initially.
Read Your Journal from a Different Perspective
Go through your journal with a certain degree of objectivity and emotional detachment. This way, you will be more rational and logical in your approach. Identifying abuse may be easier as a result. Reading about painful events in your life may also be easier as a result.
Seek Help from Loved Ones
Those who you trust may provide certain insights that you may not be aware of. For example, they might point out further instances of manipulation and control that you missed. Their observations may be more accurate and incisive since they are more neutral.
Do Not Blame Yourself
Do not guilt-trip yourself with self-blame. Stop apologizing for the bad behaviors of others. As long as you are respectful, no one has the right to be vile towards you. Even If someone has authority over you, it does not confer on them the license to behave obnoxiously.
Positive self-talk can help you to feel better about yourself and boost your self-esteem. You will also make more rational decisions – this is something that you will need to break free of this quagmire.
Break off All Contact
Resolve to leave the abuser once and for all. Once you leave this person do not bother talking to them for any reason. Do not talk to them come what may.
Unfortunately, if this person is a parent to your kids, then severing all ties may not be easy. However, you can get help from a therapist for communicating only the most critical messages regarding your kids.
Stay in a safe place without letting the abuser know where you are. Stay with someone you trust like a friend or a relative. You should also preferably use a different phone number.
Take Help from a Therapist
It’s perfectly normal to seek professional help for many matters including breaking trauma bonds.
The therapist will help you overcome the lingering pain from years of gaslighting, narcissism, and toxicity. It is not easy to successfully reverse years of damage on your own. Therapists have the required experience, knowledge, and training to understand how it’s done.
Our therapists are there to help. We would love to help you break free of your predicament and escape trauma-bonding hell.
We have helped others escape the abyss of trauma bonding and would love to do the same for you.
Our therapists will hear you out with full compassion, empathy, and understanding. Feel free to communicate all problems that you can’t share with others. Our highly trained, experienced, and well-qualified therapists listen without judgment and are well-poised to give you the best advice you will be hard-pressed to find anywhere else.
So don’t hesitate to reach out now without further ado.
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